How to Train Your Husband

I am a very lucky woman!  It took some patience but there came a time when my husband did all the cooking, cleaning, running errands, decorating, my clothes shopping and even grocery shopping.  My husband did it all!  It did not happen overnight but a gradual process that happened over time.  Let me back up to the beginning and tell you my story.

As with all little girls we read fairy tales and watch movies where romantic men save us from a life of boredom, they kiss us with such gentleness and passion, and the basic worshiping of the ground we walk on.  We just know there is a Prince out there for us to make us feel that same way.  We search and search for such a man to marry and when we think we have found one, we marry him envisioning this romantic life we are about to begin.  We set these impossible standards for our soon to be husbands.

I had been living with a man who had asked me to marry him and I said yes, but I refused to plan a wedding or set a date.  Somewhere deep inside of me I knew he was not the one and there was something wrong.  I became pregnant during this time which really made me stop and start to think about my life, this relationship and this life that was growing inside of me.  Becoming pregnant was my wake up call to stop the partying, stop the drinking and focus on getting my life together because I had this little human being living inside of me that I was responsible for.  My live in boyfriend continued to drink and we would argue excessively.  One evening we had a really bad argument that today I have no clue what it was about but he left and went out drinking.  He came home in the wee hours, drunk and yelling at me. 

The next morning before I left for work, I woke him up and told him he needed to shape up or ship out, I was not living like this.  The next day was Saturday and we were barely speaking.  I left to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things and when I returned there was a note on the table.  "I am leaving and will be back in a few days to get the rest of my stuff".   That was the last time I saw him.  I was upset that he had left me, but I was not upset that he was gone.

But now I am several months pregnant and all alone.  The reality of the situation slowly began to seep in and I was not just scared but terrified.  At this time I was working as the Sales Coordinator for a local hotel making very little money.  My family lived four hours away but they really could not help me.  I was so fortunate, one of my Aunts threw me a baby shower and gave me so many baby clothes from my cousins, and then my job also threw me a baby shower.  With that and putting some things aside, I had squirreled away most everything the baby was going to need to start with.

Anytime I had some quiet moments to think I was still scared to death of having this baby.  If you know me, you would know I was always the "tom boy" type, which is not the most "mothering" look.  How could I be a Mother?  How could I make sure that this baby had everything he/she needed?  One afternoon, I am sitting in my little tiny trailer just thinking about this reality I was about to face and I saw sitting on the book shelf in the baby's room a Children's Bible.  It hit me, I needed God!  I sat down and read that entire Children's Bible that day.  I knew then in order for me to raise this child, I needed God. 

There was not an immediate drastic change in my life that day; it was more of a slow awakening over a period of time.  It was not a period of time over a few days or even weeks, but it has been a process over the years and I am still changing and growing today.

After the baby was born, I started going to church and re-established my relationship with God.  I had been saved as a child and went to church off and on during my childhood.  I did have a relationship with God, but it was very one way.  It was mainly asking Him to help me during my nightly prayers.  

I will tell you that without God during this time, I would not have made it.  But, I really was still a baby Christian and raising the real live crying little person by myself was so hard and I was so tired all the time.  I had no life other than to go to work, go to church and go home.  The baby consumed everything in me and I was very lonely plus I did not have two nickels to rub together. 

I did have a relationship with God and I was a regular attendee of church and I knew God was working in my life.  I was trying to do what was right and had began to tithe each week with what little I had.  I was living from pay check to pay check every week and if you looked at it on paper you would have wondered how I could make it.  But God blessed me each month and gave me what I needed to survive; whether it was a refund from the power company or a odd job on the side.  He never let me down.

I also had a great mentor from the church, Frances Graham.  She was such an encouragement, a counselor and a great friend to me.  She did not judge me but accepted me at exactly where I was.  But my relationship with God was still weak and it was difficult to withstand the temptations of the world.  I was a baby Christian and spiritually anemic, I had not really studied the Bible or grown very much. 

Someone from work fixed me up with my current husband who happened to be in town visiting.  We started writing letters to each other because I lived on the east coast and he lived on the west coast.  He did not believe in God and was very firm about it.  We had been building our relationship through letters for several months when I heard the sermon about being yoked with an unbeliever.  God convicted me right then.  I went home and wrote him a letter and broke up with him.    Months went by.  But when he was in the area again, we saw each other.  We spent time together and decided to get back together.  I knew then I was disobeying God, but I was so lonely and so tired.  Having this person in my life felt like it was taking some of the pressure off of me and my load was just a little lighter.  I rationalized my decision of disobedience but it did not make it any less wrong.  Several months later I became pregnant with our child.

My soon to be husband flew down and we were married in front of the Justice of the Peace in a very awkward ceremony.  I realized then, I really did not know him.  The letters we wrote were more about what we had for dinner instead about the things that really matter.  Just days after the wedding as we traveled from the east coast to the west coast, he is singing in the car.  He can sing pleasantly but it was non-stop and he makes up his own words to the songs.  As real life sets in, I am wondering why does he not close any drawers or cabinets, why does he just place the lid on the jar instead of screwing it on?  Why doesn't he have more patience with me or Adam?  Where is my Prince Charming and the romantic marriage I had dreamed about all my life? 

When we first got married I thought I loved my husband but really at that time I had no concept of what loving a spouse was about.  We basically got married because I was pregnant with my daughter.  Just like the song goes "looking for love in all the wrong places", that was me for many years. 

I had made up my mind that I was in this marriage for the long haul, so divorce was not an option.  One of the messages that had really sunk in for me was that God does not like divorce no matter how we as humans rationalize it.  I know there are reasons for divorce like physical harm but “who am I” to make that decision when God tells us how much he detest divorce.  I am not judging anyone that has gotten a divorce but I just could not do it.  I believe one of the reasons why divorce is so high is that many of us go into marriage with the mind set of “if this does not work out, I will just get a divorce”.  Divorce is the easy way out, making the marriage work is the hardest thing you can do.  As I started my marriage I was about to find out exactly how hard it was.

The first few months I tried to be that perfect wife; keeping the apartment clean, managing the children, having dinner ready when he wanted, and doing the things he wanted to do.  After a little while the selfishness started creeping up in me, and I began wondering why was I doing all of these things when he did not seem to appreciate me.  Resentment started to slowly drape over me like a veil which only helped to cocoon myself into my own little world where it was all about me.  I let myself wallow in self pity and my anger and bitterness continue to grow and consume me.

The years went by and we did not argue or fight a lot because we really did not talk to each other.  I do not mean we did not have conversations about the kids or what was for dinner.  But we were two people living in the same house sharing a bed.  Everything he did got on my nerves and I could not see a single thing that he did right.  Our marriage was a failure and it was his fault.  He is the one that did not do anything right.  I was absolutely miserable.  But as my Mama had told me, "you made your bed, now you have to lie in it".  I was determined to suffer through it for the rest of my life.  God did not want me to have a divorce, then fine . . I would show Him, I would become a martyr in my marriage.  Yes I wished for a better marriage, yes I constantly prayed to God to fix my marriage and to please fix my husband.  I felt like I was doing all I could for my marriage and my prayers had fell on deaf ears.

During these years I was slowing growing in my relationship with God and I was having a quiet time and studying my Bible.  I was learning so much.  I learned that God wants us to be happy and have a joyful life.  He does not want us to be miserable.

John 15:11

I have spoken these things to you so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.

Romans 14:17

For the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

 

But how was I going to be happy in this miserable marriage?  God started to speak to me through sermons, lessons, and prayers.  It was like He put this voice in my head that would give me thoughts that did not come from me.  He told me my marriage would be whatever I made it to be and my husband's actions were irrelevant.  He told me everything was a choice.  I could either choose to be happy or miserable, it was all my decision.  The happiness and joy was there from Him, if I choose to pick it up and wear it or I could continue to wear my heavy coat of misery. 

It was a tough decision because even thou I wanted a good marriage and I wanted to be happy, I somehow felt some type of self worth because I was acting as a martyr.  It made me feel important plus I knew it was going to be hard work to change our marriage.  I am not afraid of hard work, but what I do not enjoy is letting someone else win.  If I was going to work at this marriage no matter what he did, I would feel as if I was the loser in the deal.  I know it sounds crazy but if we know what we need to do to be happy but do not do it, there has to be a reason.  I tried to be as honest as I could with myself and these are the conclusions I came up with.

Each day I had to make a choice.  I started choosing to wear His joy and happiness.  In the beginning I almost had to make that choice every hour and every minute, but it became easier with time.  Once in while I would accidental pick up that coat of misery and put it on but as soon as I realized it, I would shake it off and put back on the garment of joy.  I discovered I could find joy in my God but also there is joy in so many other things if you really look for it.  I started seeing more light than darkness where ever I was even though my marriage was still not what I wanted it to be.

One day as I was praying for God to fix my husband and my marriage, He spoke to me (in my head) and asked me the question:  "Have you done everything you can to make your marriage what it can be and do you really love your husband?"  Of course I have done everything and yes I loved my husband, I was married to him.  God told me I was not telling the truth.  After arguing with Him in my head, He began to give me examples of how I was not doing everything I could and I did not act like I loved my husband.  He was not talking about sex, He was talking about love actions.  He basically told me that I needed to work on me and let Him take care of my husband.  God asked me one more question:  "Did I trust Him?"  Of course I responded with "yes", then he responded "then stop trying to fix your husband and start working on you".  Me?  What's wrong with me?  I have not done anything wrong . . . or had I?

That was a life changing moment for me.  It was just a simple moment of quiet time with God but it brought me to my knees.  God had shown me how selfish and self centered I was.  He showed me that I was as much if not more of a problem in my marriage than my husband.  I was being arrogant and defiant because I refused to make any changes but expected my husband and anyone else to make changes to accommodate me.  Arrogant is the opposite of being humble.  To truly love someone, you must humble yourself.  I had not really been loving my husband as a wife should.  But now it was my choice.  I finally started to earnestly pray for God to open my eyes of what I needed to do to fix me.  He started opening my eyes and I did not like what I saw about myself.

One of the things I strongly disliked about my husband was he never made decisions, whether it was giving the kids permission to go somewhere or whether we should make a certain purchase.  I asked God numerous times why my husband could not make a decision.  I did not like His answer.  He said, "Robin, you never let him make a decision."  He began putting these different scenes from the past into my head of how I always just jumped in and took control.  Since I had been making the decisions for years, it was difficult to make that transition over to him, both for him and for me.  I had the problem because I am a control freak and want to be in charge of everything.  He was out of practice in making decision because I had not let him make one for years.  This process does not mean I cannot make a decision but that he can make decisions.  I first had to accept that we make decisions differently.  I look at all the facts quickly, make a decision and move on.  He has to mull it over in his mind for days before he makes a decision.  I had to accept that and move on.  I have learned most of the time especially for the larger important decisions, it actually works out best for our family.  Sometimes when I made a quick decision it was not always the best one because I jumped to conclusions too early.  Now, when we have a family decision on the horizon, I go ahead and tell him to start thinking about it so we can make the decision together and it is not something I expect an answer from him at that very heart beat.

I had to learn that he did many things different than me.  I always complained to God that my husband never told me or showed me that he loved me.  My husband is "old school", and he does not talk about his feelings.  He does tell me that he loves me but not very often.  What I did not realize until God pointed it out to me was that my husband was constantly showing me how much he loved me but it was not in the way I expected.  My husband's language of love is acts of service.  Those acts of service happened almost every day but I had not really paid close attention.  He made me breakfast on Sundays and went out of way to make me my favorite dishes for dinner.  Some acts were small and some were large but he was telling me with each one how much he loved me, only I had not been listening.  Instead of telling me, he was showing me and I had not been paying attention instead I had blinders on until I started to change my view.

God also pointed out to me that I am probably not living up to my husband's expectations either.  What?  I cannot believe that.  I had to start looking at things from my husband's perspective.  Wow!  It looked different.  I had to just forgive him of the times he disappointed me.  Most of those times he did not even realize he had.  I had to stop making a mountain out of a mole hill as my mother used to say.  I also had learn what love in a marriage was all about.

I learned to love was so much more than an emotion.  It was an action.  Love was listening without interrupting him, allowing him to have an opinion and respecting that opinion even if I might disagree with it.  I had to learn how to speak to him without it being accusing or belittling and to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I had to learn how to have a conversation with him without having to get my way in every situation.  I had to learn to stop complaining about everything.  If you complain about everything they hear nothing.  I had to learn how to really forgive him without punishing him and remembering it all the time.  I had to honor him as my husband and father of my children.

Colossians 3:12-13

Therefore, God's chosen ones, holy and loved, put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive.  Above all, put on love--the perfect bond of unity.  And let the peace of the Messiah, to which you were also called in one body, control your hearts.  Be thankful.

I had to let go of the anger, bitterness and the unforgiveness that I had been holding on to.  These things had blinded me.  We can let these little things fester into a large over whelming pile of manure that if we do not clean it out of our thoughts and heart, it can begin to stink.  It will stink up our husband, our relationships and sometimes we forget, it will also make us stink.

We have to acknowledge that we are the problem and stop placing blame on everyone else in our marriage and our relationships.  When I did that my life changed and my marriage changed.

We all want to be the recipient of love, but to give love requires energy and sacrifice.  The kind of love that is described in Corinthians is WORK!  It is putting others first, not just once but all the time.  It is about not having to do things MY way every time.  It is about accepting people right where they are and loving them anyway.  Love is a choice and an action. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

Love is patient, love is kind.  Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs.  Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth.  It bears all things believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.

I have found love, contentment and peace in my marriage and in my life after I allowed God to change me.  I believe my husband has changed also but it was not my doings but God's.  All the cooking, cleaning, running errands, decorating, clothes shopping and even grocery shopping my husband did was just telling me how much he loves me.  Your husband may do something entirely different.  Embrace and love him for who he is, not who you want him to be.  Let God have control of your life and you work on you and let God take care of everyone and everything else.

Even after eighteen years there are times when I am reminded how self centered I am.  I get mad at him for something in the big picture is really stupid.  I let that anger fester for a few minutes until I let the realization slowly sink in that he did not say or do that to hurt me, why am I angry?  Maybe I was angry because we as humans want to please people, especially our husbands.  We cannot change people or how they think but we can change ourselves.

The key to training your husband is to love him.  Love him like God loves you and God will take care of the rest.