I
am a very lucky woman! It took some patience
but there came a time when my husband did all the cooking, cleaning, running
errands, decorating, my clothes shopping and even grocery shopping. My husband did it all! It did not happen overnight but a gradual
process that happened over time. Let me
back up to the beginning and tell you my story.
As
with all little girls we read fairy tales and watch movies where romantic men
save us from a life of boredom, they kiss us with such gentleness and passion,
and the basic worshiping of the ground we walk on. We just know there is a Prince out there for
us to make us feel that same way. We
search and search for such a man to marry and when we think we have found one,
we marry him envisioning this romantic life we are about to begin. We set these impossible standards for our
soon to be husbands.
I
had been living with a man who had asked me to marry him and I said yes, but I
refused to plan a wedding or set a date.
Somewhere deep inside of me I knew he was not the one and there was
something wrong. I became pregnant during
this time which really made me stop and start to think about my life, this
relationship and this life that was growing inside of me. Becoming pregnant was my wake up call to stop
the partying, stop the drinking and focus on getting my life together because I
had this little human being living inside of me that I was responsible
for. My live in boyfriend continued to
drink and we would argue excessively.
One evening we had a really bad argument that today I have no clue what
it was about but he left and went out drinking.
He came home in the wee hours, drunk and yelling at me.
The
next morning before I left for work, I woke him up and told him he needed to
shape up or ship out, I was not living like this. The next day was Saturday and we were barely
speaking. I left to go to the grocery
store to pick up a few things and when I returned there was a note on the
table. "I am leaving and will be
back in a few days to get the rest of my stuff". That was the last time I saw him. I was upset that he had left me, but I was
not upset that he was gone.
But
now I am several months pregnant and all alone.
The reality of the situation slowly began to seep in and I was not just
scared but terrified. At this time I was
working as the Sales Coordinator for a local hotel making very little money. My family lived four hours away but they
really could not help me. I was so
fortunate, one of my Aunts threw me a baby shower and gave me so many baby
clothes from my cousins, and then my job also threw me a baby shower. With that and putting some things aside, I
had squirreled away most everything the baby was going to need to start with.
Anytime
I had some quiet moments to think I was still scared to death of having this
baby. If you know me, you would know I
was always the "tom boy" type, which is not the most
"mothering" look. How could I
be a Mother? How could I make sure that
this baby had everything he/she needed?
One afternoon, I am sitting in my little tiny trailer just thinking
about this reality I was about to face and I saw sitting on the book shelf in
the baby's room a Children's Bible. It
hit me, I needed God! I sat down and
read that entire Children's Bible that day.
I knew then in order for me to raise this child, I needed God.
There
was not an immediate drastic change in my life that day; it was more of a slow
awakening over a period of time. It was
not a period of time over a few days or even weeks, but it has been a process
over the years and I am still changing and growing today.
After
the baby was born, I started going to church and re-established my relationship
with God. I had been saved as a child
and went to church off and on during my childhood. I did have a relationship with God, but it
was very one way. It was mainly asking
Him to help me during my nightly prayers.
I will tell you that without God during this
time, I would not have made it. But, I
really was still a baby Christian and raising the real live crying little person
by myself was so hard and I was so tired all the time. I had no life other than to go to work, go to
church and go home. The baby consumed
everything in me and I was very lonely plus I did not have two nickels to rub
together.
I
did have a relationship with God and I was a regular attendee of church and I
knew God was working in my life. I was
trying to do what was right and had began to tithe each week with what little I
had. I was living from pay check to pay
check every week and if you looked at it on paper you would have wondered how I
could make it. But God blessed me each
month and gave me what I needed to survive; whether it was a refund from the
power company or a odd job on the side.
He never let me down.
I
also had a great mentor from the church, Frances Graham. She was such an encouragement, a counselor
and a great friend to me. She did not
judge me but accepted me at exactly where I was. But my relationship with God was still weak
and it was difficult to withstand the temptations of the world. I was a baby Christian and spiritually anemic,
I had not really studied the Bible or grown very much.
Someone
from work fixed me up with my current husband who happened to be in town
visiting. We started writing letters to
each other because I lived on the east coast and he lived on the west
coast. He did not believe in God and was
very firm about it. We had been building
our relationship through letters for several months when I heard the sermon
about being yoked with an unbeliever.
God convicted me right then. I
went home and wrote him a letter and broke up with him. Months went by. But when he was in the area again, we saw each
other. We spent time together and
decided to get back together. I knew
then I was disobeying God, but I was so lonely and so tired. Having this person in my life felt like it
was taking some of the pressure off of me and my load was just a little lighter. I rationalized my decision of disobedience
but it did not make it any less wrong.
Several months later I became pregnant with our child.
My
soon to be husband flew down and we were married in front of the Justice of the
Peace in a very awkward ceremony. I
realized then, I really did not know him.
The letters we wrote were more about what we had for dinner instead
about the things that really matter. Just
days after the wedding as we traveled from the east coast to the west coast, he
is singing in the car. He can sing
pleasantly but it was non-stop and he makes up his own words to the songs. As real life sets in, I am wondering why does
he not close any drawers or cabinets, why does he just place the lid on the jar
instead of screwing it on? Why doesn't
he have more patience with me or Adam?
Where is my Prince Charming and the romantic marriage I had dreamed
about all my life?
When
we first got married I thought I loved my husband but really at that time I had
no concept of what loving a spouse was about.
We basically got married because I was pregnant with my daughter. Just like the song goes "looking for
love in all the wrong places", that was me for many years.
I
had made up my mind that I was in this marriage for the long haul, so divorce
was not an option. One of the messages
that had really sunk in for me was that God does not like divorce no matter how
we as humans rationalize it. I know
there are reasons for divorce like physical harm but “who am I” to make that
decision when God tells us how much he detest divorce. I am not judging anyone that has gotten a
divorce but I just could not do it. I
believe one of the reasons why divorce is so high is that many of us go into
marriage with the mind set of “if this does not work out, I will just get a
divorce”. Divorce is the easy way out,
making the marriage work is the hardest thing you can do. As I started my marriage I was about to find
out exactly how hard it was.
The
first few months I tried to be that perfect wife; keeping the apartment clean,
managing the children, having dinner ready when he wanted, and doing the things
he wanted to do. After a little while
the selfishness started creeping up in me, and I began wondering why was I
doing all of these things when he did not seem to appreciate me. Resentment started to slowly drape over me
like a veil which only helped to cocoon myself into my own little world where
it was all about me. I let myself wallow
in self pity and my anger and bitterness continue to grow and consume me.
The
years went by and we did not argue or fight a lot because we really did not
talk to each other. I do not mean we did
not have conversations about the kids or what was for dinner. But we were two people living in the same
house sharing a bed. Everything he did
got on my nerves and I could not see a single thing that he did right. Our marriage was a failure and it was his
fault. He is the one that did not do
anything right. I was absolutely
miserable. But as my Mama had told me,
"you made your bed, now you have to lie in it". I was determined to suffer through it for the
rest of my life. God did not want me to
have a divorce, then fine . . I would show Him, I would become a martyr in my
marriage. Yes I wished for a better
marriage, yes I constantly prayed to God to fix my marriage and to please fix
my husband. I felt like I was doing all
I could for my marriage and my prayers had fell on deaf ears.
During
these years I was slowing growing in my relationship with God and I was having
a quiet time and studying my Bible. I
was learning so much. I learned that God
wants us to be happy and have a joyful life.
He does not want us to be miserable.
John 15:11
I have spoken these things to you so that My joy may be in you
and your joy may be complete.
Romans 14:17
For the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but
righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you
believe in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy
Spirit.
But
how was I going to be happy in this miserable marriage? God started to speak to me through sermons,
lessons, and prayers. It was like He put
this voice in my head that would give me thoughts that did not come from
me. He told me my marriage would be
whatever I made it to be and my husband's actions were irrelevant. He told me everything was a choice. I could either choose to be happy or
miserable, it was all my decision. The
happiness and joy was there from Him, if I choose to pick it up and wear it or
I could continue to wear my heavy coat of misery.
It
was a tough decision because even thou I wanted a good marriage and I wanted to
be happy, I somehow felt some type of self worth because I was acting as a
martyr. It made me feel important plus I
knew it was going to be hard work to change our marriage. I am not afraid of hard work, but what I do
not enjoy is letting someone else win.
If I was going to work at this marriage no matter what he did, I would
feel as if I was the loser in the deal. I
know it sounds crazy but if we know what we need to do to be happy but do not
do it, there has to be a reason. I tried
to be as honest as I could with myself and these are the conclusions I came up
with.
Each
day I had to make a choice. I started
choosing to wear His joy and happiness.
In the beginning I almost had to make that choice every hour and every
minute, but it became easier with time.
Once in while I would accidental pick up that coat of misery and put it
on but as soon as I realized it, I would shake it off and put back on the garment
of joy. I discovered I could find joy in
my God but also there is joy in so many other things if you really look for
it. I started seeing more light than
darkness where ever I was even though my marriage was still not what I wanted it
to be.
One
day as I was praying for God to fix my husband and my marriage, He spoke to me
(in my head) and asked me the question:
"Have you done everything you can to make your marriage what it can
be and do you really love your husband?"
Of course I have done everything and yes I loved my husband, I was
married to him. God told me I was not
telling the truth. After arguing with
Him in my head, He began to give me examples of how I was not doing everything
I could and I did not act like I loved my husband. He was not talking about sex, He was talking
about love actions. He basically told me
that I needed to work on me and let Him take care of my husband. God asked me one more question: "Did I trust Him?" Of course I responded with "yes",
then he responded "then stop trying to fix your husband and start working
on you". Me? What's wrong with me? I have not done anything wrong . . . or had
I?
That
was a life changing moment for me. It
was just a simple moment of quiet time with God but it brought me to my knees. God had shown me how selfish and self
centered I was. He showed me that I was
as much if not more of a problem in my marriage than my husband. I was being arrogant and defiant because I
refused to make any changes but expected my husband and anyone else to make
changes to accommodate me. Arrogant is
the opposite of being humble. To truly
love someone, you must humble yourself.
I had not really been loving my husband as a wife should. But now it was my choice. I finally started to earnestly pray for God
to open my eyes of what I needed to do to fix me. He started opening my eyes and I did not like
what I saw about myself.
One
of the things I strongly disliked about my husband was he never made decisions,
whether it was giving the kids permission to go somewhere or whether we should
make a certain purchase. I asked God
numerous times why my husband could not make a decision. I did not like His answer. He said, "Robin, you never let him make
a decision." He began putting these
different scenes from the past into my head of how I always just jumped in and
took control. Since I had been making
the decisions for years, it was difficult to make that transition over to him,
both for him and for me. I had the
problem because I am a control freak and want to be in charge of
everything. He was out of practice in
making decision because I had not let him make one for years. This process does not mean I cannot make a
decision but that he can make decisions.
I first had to accept that we make decisions differently. I look at all the facts quickly, make a
decision and move on. He has to mull it
over in his mind for days before he makes a decision. I had to accept that and move on. I have learned most of the time especially
for the larger important decisions, it actually works out best for our
family. Sometimes when I made a quick
decision it was not always the best one because I jumped to conclusions too
early. Now, when we have a family
decision on the horizon, I go ahead and tell him to start thinking about it so
we can make the decision together and it is not something I expect an answer
from him at that very heart beat.
I
had to learn that he did many things different than me. I always complained to God that my husband
never told me or showed me that he loved me.
My husband is "old school", and he does not talk about his
feelings. He does tell me that he loves
me but not very often. What I did not
realize until God pointed it out to me was that my husband was constantly
showing me how much he loved me but it was not in the way I expected. My husband's language of love is acts of
service. Those acts of service happened
almost every day but I had not really paid close attention. He made me breakfast on Sundays and went out
of way to make me my favorite dishes for dinner. Some acts were small and some were large but
he was telling me with each one how much he loved me, only I had not been
listening. Instead of telling me, he was
showing me and I had not been paying attention instead I had blinders on until I
started to change my view.
God
also pointed out to me that I am probably not living up to my husband's
expectations either. What? I cannot believe that. I had to start looking at things from my
husband's perspective. Wow! It looked different. I had to just forgive him of the times he
disappointed me. Most of those times he
did not even realize he had. I had to
stop making a mountain out of a mole hill as my mother used to say. I also had learn what love in a marriage was
all about.
I
learned to love was so much more than an emotion. It was an action. Love was listening without interrupting him,
allowing him to have an opinion and respecting that opinion even if I might
disagree with it. I had to learn how to
speak to him without it being accusing or belittling and to give him the
benefit of the doubt. I had to learn how
to have a conversation with him without having to get my way in every
situation. I had to learn to stop
complaining about everything. If you
complain about everything they hear nothing.
I had to learn how to really forgive him without punishing him and
remembering it all the time. I had to
honor him as my husband and father of my children.
Colossians 3:12-13
Therefore, God's chosen ones, holy and loved, put on heartfelt
compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, accepting one another
and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as
the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. Above all, put on love--the perfect bond of
unity. And let the peace of the Messiah,
to which you were also called in one body, control your hearts. Be thankful.
I
had to let go of the anger, bitterness and the unforgiveness that I had been
holding on to. These things had blinded me.
We can let these little things fester
into a large over whelming pile of manure that if we do not clean it out of our
thoughts and heart, it can begin to stink.
It will stink up our husband, our relationships and sometimes we forget,
it will also make us stink.
We
have to acknowledge that we are the problem and stop placing blame on everyone
else in our marriage and our relationships.
When I did that my life changed and my marriage changed.
We
all want to be the recipient of love, but to give love requires energy and
sacrifice. The kind of love that is
described in Corinthians is WORK! It is
putting others first, not just once but all the time. It is about not having to do things MY way
every time. It is about accepting people
right where they are and loving them anyway.
Love is a choice and an action.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
Love is patient, love is kind.
Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act
improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of
wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness
but rejoices in the truth. It bears all
things believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
I
have found love, contentment and peace in my marriage and in my life after I
allowed God to change me. I believe my
husband has changed also but it was not my doings but God's. All the cooking, cleaning, running errands,
decorating, clothes shopping and even grocery shopping my husband did was just
telling me how much he loves me. Your
husband may do something entirely different.
Embrace and love him for who he is, not who you want him to be. Let God have control of your life and you
work on you and let God take care of everyone and everything else.
Even
after eighteen years there are times when I am reminded how self centered I am.
I get mad at him for something in the
big picture is really stupid. I let that
anger fester for a few minutes until I let the realization slowly sink in that
he did not say or do that to hurt me, why am I angry? Maybe I was angry because we as humans want
to please people, especially our husbands.
We cannot change people or how they think but we can change ourselves.
The
key to training your husband is to love him.
Love him like God loves you and God will take care of the rest.
